After all this time, I never thought we’d be here;
04 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment
in Life Tags: best freinds, high school, leaving, losing, memories, sad
Wow. I can’t believe I used to think ‘blog neglect’ was not posting in three days. try over a month. I feel bad. I feel like this is the only way to let me fully remember what happened (a.k.a. what’s happening) right now. I feel my memories just don’t suffice. My mind puts the memory through a little processor and it spits out sad. But the truth is, those memories, are so good. The nature of them is sad. So if I write them down while they’re still happily in my mind; I can feel them like that in my heart. Unspoiled.
I make the present seem like the past. I don’t like it. In my heart; loosy’s already gone. We’re already stumbling through PCI, grief-stricken and confused. I can’t let myself just ‘enjoy’ what’s left. I never want it to end, so I dwell on it..til it happens, and it just makes it worse. Like the ending of last school year. I just finally realized that…it’s gone. last night. I’ve been feeling something missing, I didn’t know what, but I know now. I didn’t quite come to terms with it. I was still hanging on my a thread to those days. I let them go last night. I look forward to next year, to be with them again. But the cost is Loosy. I’m so scared. You have no idea. I’m going to be lost when life doesn’t continue on like it has been. I look at PCI with such disdain it plugs my heart. I don’t know how I’ll survive.
And I still haven’t talked to him in…4 months. It’s almost like we never knew each other. But then again, I was never anything important in the first place. I miss those days. I just want them back. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry again, that I was going to push forward. But I can’t make friends like the ones I have now. There’s no such thing as a loosy replacement. Or a sim replacement. We won’t survive seperately. Well, loosy will, but that’s her. She adapts to change. While I’ve never experienced enough change to deal.
I’m going to end this entry now. My issues never seem to change. same thing over same thing. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it, or if it’s nothing to even think about. Maybe I’ll look back and think this is stupid. It was a school year. This is just another measly school year. One day you’ll look back at an old yearbook photo and say, ” oh, I remember them.” That’s what hurts the most. I love them all too much to just remember them. I live them, I breathe them, there the fuel to the fire of my life. They’re the people that are second family to me. I could count on them always just being there…every weekday morning. They aren’t a part of life; they’re a fact of life. But now we’re at our final stop together.
♥
