Follow me down, down, down ’til you see all my dreams. Not everything in this magical world is quite what it seems… ♫
19 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment
in Life
It’s been over a year I believe since I last wrote an entry.
There are posts on here from when I was in grade 7! I can’t believe how much time has passed. I’m now a couple months away from grade 10. I would like to say a lot has changed, but in reality it’s not that much. I mean, I started (and survived) my first year of high school with minor cuts and bruises. Which, in itself is the problem. Nothing exciting happened to me. I mean, I have learned to become more independant, and live life on my own without playing follow the leader. I’ve made my own friends, and gained confidence to be able to talk to people that I don’t already know. High school is a good place. I mean, you can do so many different things and it’s all your choice. Ovbiously this means there is more opportunities for you to make the wrong choices, but I’m not like that. There is a bit of a blockage between me and the *party life* you could say, but what’s so great about it? I like just spending time with my buds being dumbasses.This doesn’t need alcohol or weed. Well, what else. I mean, at the start of the year there was like no friend drama. There was the Blair thing, and quite a bit of drama spawned from that. But writing all this down now, I really just don’t care. I mean, its quite freeing actually.
If you spend your time worrying about what’s happening in everybody else’s life than you forget to live your own. Fuck it. Do what you want to do. Support your friends in what they want to do, but don’t try to change it.
I’ll keep blogging I think. If I was to re-cap everything,this post would be hella-long, so I’ll just update with what’s happening now. I spent the night at my friend’s house..had a ballin party in a bus…(the “loveshack”..) it was pretty steamy. Loosy was clearly getting mad that I was there, but I was just thinking, screw this. I don’t need your bullshit. I’m enjoying myself with my friends and just because you aren’t doesn’t mean you have to take it out on me.
I’ve developed a strong love for dubstep <3 It makes my head throb with delight…lol…But yeah. It’s summer…so…bye… I’ll post soon.
Now whatever happened to the girl in the corner…I break you down, big city sound girl.
13 Mar 2010 Leave a Comment
I have to end this.
It’s not because of Sim, it’s not because I’ve tired of blogging. It’s because I need closure. Things have come full circle for me. I no longer need this. I no longer want this. I have stuff to figure out. Things have changed. From different platforms; I’ve realized you can’t always continue doing something…even if it’s what people want from you, or if its whats expected of you. The moment it drags you down rather than lifts you up is the moment when you need to stop.
I’m stopping this.
am I being overly dramatic? possibly. But reality is, I’m not getting anything from it. It’s like a diary. It’s personal, no one reads it, yet it’s online. I remember when it was important because I knew someone was reading it. Like, I could tell them something subtly without telling them directly. Let them know what I was thinking. But to be honest, I’ve kind of let my social life dwindle. I’ve developed a “I don’t care” attitude over everything; everyone. I can sit around all day not worrying about my popularity status or whether or not I’m invited to that movie or the next.
I don’t care.
Is it a bad thing? Perhaps. In a way it’s refreshing…but if someone cared about me, maybe then I’d care. Right now I’m not so sure.
My change needs to come, soon. I’ve been in an endless, repetitive rut that keeps pulling me further into my “I don’t care”-dom.
Last year was stellar. At least, according to my recollection. Maybe it wasn’t as good as my mind portrays it to be. I made a very good friend. At least I think. It went light years slower than this year; and if I were to tell myself that last year I would never believe time could possibly travel any faster.
This year proved that wrong.Since the first day to the present day everything has blended. The year is almost finished. It is so unnatural. My body, my mind, is still with the ending of the last. Why? I don’t know. This year shaved off some naivety associated with a certain friendship. Don’t believe your friends are reliable until they show you they are. Because trust me, they aren’t always. They will step on you on your climb to the top.
I’ve fallen to the bottom thanks to you.
A friend can’t possibly be worth your time if they can cause such throbbing anger that pulses from the tips of your fingers to the tops of your toes; your blood burning through your veins in pure disgust over them.
Betrayal of the most subtle variety.
For them, they got what they wanted; needed from me. They said all the right things, they laughed. they played the game. Which is fine.
But what if I wasn’t playing a game?
What if I had valued the friendship…what if I actually cared? what if I was proud to have such a solid relationship?…what if I knew we had something more than everyone else did? What if I had known all along?
then we wouldn’t be in this situation now would we.
Anyways, why dwell on someone who would never do the same for you, right?
*
*
*
I found the song Big City Sound Girl finally. The group that sings the song are called the Lytics. They hail from Wpg surprisingly!
One casual listen on the radio one day last year started all of this, and with the lyrics fittingly in the title, I’ll let them end it too.
Now matter what happens, I know who to trust, and when. I know life can and will get better from time to time. The only way it can get better is fo rit to get worse. So for the time being; I’m going to go with the flow. The mind-numbing flow. The year is going to end, and maybe I’ll post on that day; and that day only. But with all my confidence ensured, I bid this blog goodbye.
<3
Wake up on your own, and look around you cause you’re not alone; release your high hopes and they’ll survive;; Cause this is the future and you are alive<3
09 Jan 2010 Leave a Comment
in Life Tags: friends, happy, high school, light, magazine, shopping
SO,,
good moods all around, I’d say. Yes. Shush. I know, my entries are becoming fewer and farther between, but that’s partly Sim’s fault. She stopped all together. I remember when it was the most important thing in the world. weird how life changes like that. Actually, not at all.
Anyways, to the future me ( the only person that will most likely read this) I have some preety big news. Now, I’m going into this very cautiously… because it’s one of those things that you have to see or hear from authority to believe. But, here goes.
According to Loosy…she’s staying another year.
WUT!?
I know. It’s kind of crazy. I take it with a grain of salt for a reason you see. she says it’s fo sho happening, but..eh. I guess I spent so much of my time thinking about how she won’t be here, I thought it just be teasing myself with what I can’t have if I thought about her staying. But…lo and behold…the unimaginable seems to be happening. Well, Ideally I’d prefer her to stay for all of high school. then things would be easy, But yeah. she’ll be moving eventually. Maybe it’ll be even harder after grade 9 then. who knows. I just am so anxious to see how next year goes. But, my problem with high school is definitely going to get in the way. I can already tell. I really don’t want to get into drugs and alcohol. How to make friends when everyone is into partying and that sorts?Holy fartknocker I sound foreign there, haha. But I started talking to this girl ( THAT WILL PROBABLY BE IN MOST OF MY CLASSES JUST FOR MY LUCK) who can’t wait to party and all that…and by mistake I kinda preached my thoughts on why it’s bad to drink and shiiite. And well she got all huffy and puffy, and we’re just kinda not on good terms I guess. so yeah, fml. I hate our high school. filled with just Miss slutty druggie drink-a lots .HEHE. Maybe I’ll be friends with those few girls who seem good. I hope. I hope I stay friends with simi. she’s a little more wild than me in that area. I don’t want it to separate us though. haha, we were saying we are just gonna make loosy make us a bunch of friends for when she leaves, so we’re all set. (jk if Loosy ever reads this!)
Tomorrow we are going shopiing in DA PEG! Will be fun. ‘cept they have their cellular devices while Misses Moi does not. I actually have invested a billion hours into looking up cellphones, It got out of hand. I started setting my bar too high. Then, I realized I just wanted to text ma buds..so I don’t need to care about the screen resolution after all….haha.
Oh, right. It was my birthday. In all my blog entries I’ve been [insert age]. but now I’m a year older, so it’s a bit diff. I’ve gotta say though, my previous age kicked butt in blog entries so far…like holayy. We used to be really into it. My b-day was veryy good. School was fun that day because you just feel all special, y’know? haha. And the Olympic Torch happened to cross by our city that night, so we got to see a torch getting lit and all that, pretty neat. Made me feel all Canadian and such. 
:)
I got everything I wanted, well so far. I just need a damn cellphone. Then I’m set. Well, if it was my b-day that can only mean another thing: NEW YEAR! 2010! HOLY! It’s crazy. 2010. feels so…futuristic. I liked being able to say “oh-nine” but now it’s like “…ten.” so odd. So I guess the new thing is “twenty-10″ which is kinda fun to say. I feel like I can almost sit back and STOP DWELLING now that Loosy says she’s here for another year. I mean c’mon, if I look back, I probably mention her leaving like at least every third entry. I’ve never felt so..unstressed. I just hope High school doesn’t become tough ( social wise, but school too!) Like, you almost forget what your there for… WORK. and then after that actually work. That sucks. But I just hope I get a really fun, awesome job that involves writing, but being able to put your spin on it. Like I don’t want to just deliver an article solely for the facts, because that’s so plain. Writing for a women’s/teen’s magazine would be fun. I’d really like that. But if I ever got to do that. I deff. have to move away, which the idea scares me. I don’t want to move away from my family. OMG. now I’m feeling all stressed again. That’s a worry for another time. I have to stop looking so far ahead. I should just sit back, relax, and chill.
and by that, I mean, shopping with SBS
’til I find something else to stress over,
Brii
:)
After all this time, I never thought we’d be here;
04 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment
in Life Tags: best freinds, high school, leaving, losing, memories, sad
Wow. I can’t believe I used to think ‘blog neglect’ was not posting in three days. try over a month. I feel bad. I feel like this is the only way to let me fully remember what happened (a.k.a. what’s happening) right now. I feel my memories just don’t suffice. My mind puts the memory through a little processor and it spits out sad. But the truth is, those memories, are so good. The nature of them is sad. So if I write them down while they’re still happily in my mind; I can feel them like that in my heart. Unspoiled.
I make the present seem like the past. I don’t like it. In my heart; loosy’s already gone. We’re already stumbling through PCI, grief-stricken and confused. I can’t let myself just ‘enjoy’ what’s left. I never want it to end, so I dwell on it..til it happens, and it just makes it worse. Like the ending of last school year. I just finally realized that…it’s gone. last night. I’ve been feeling something missing, I didn’t know what, but I know now. I didn’t quite come to terms with it. I was still hanging on my a thread to those days. I let them go last night. I look forward to next year, to be with them again. But the cost is Loosy. I’m so scared. You have no idea. I’m going to be lost when life doesn’t continue on like it has been. I look at PCI with such disdain it plugs my heart. I don’t know how I’ll survive.
And I still haven’t talked to him in…4 months. It’s almost like we never knew each other. But then again, I was never anything important in the first place. I miss those days. I just want them back. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry again, that I was going to push forward. But I can’t make friends like the ones I have now. There’s no such thing as a loosy replacement. Or a sim replacement. We won’t survive seperately. Well, loosy will, but that’s her. She adapts to change. While I’ve never experienced enough change to deal.
I’m going to end this entry now. My issues never seem to change. same thing over same thing. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it, or if it’s nothing to even think about. Maybe I’ll look back and think this is stupid. It was a school year. This is just another measly school year. One day you’ll look back at an old yearbook photo and say, ” oh, I remember them.” That’s what hurts the most. I love them all too much to just remember them. I live them, I breathe them, there the fuel to the fire of my life. They’re the people that are second family to me. I could count on them always just being there…every weekday morning. They aren’t a part of life; they’re a fact of life. But now we’re at our final stop together.
♥
poorest little excuses.
31 Oct 2009 Leave a Comment
in Life Tags: adam, goodbye, lambert, poems
So here we are, the last day of October. Well, it’s 7 minutes past midnight, so it’s kind of still the night of the 30th, but blahblahblah. Anyways. I wrote some stuff lately. here’s some rough copies I got out of it of two things:
Goodbye isn’t really goodbye
the end isn’t really the end
because deep down I know
we’ll always be best friends
Those days can’t be replaced
the laughs, the tears, through all those years;
all the things we hope won’t be erased.
So keep the memories locked in your heart
keep them there forever
so even when we’re grown and gone;
we’ll always be together…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nothing’s built to last forever
including these days together
too bad, so sad
life goes on
one day you’re there
the next ; you’re gone
don’t know about you
but I’ll sure miss these days
and all our happy, carefree ways
“‘m going into next year
with nothing but the cold air that I breathe;
I know I’ll never quite get over
the day that we all leave.
When we reach the final goodbye
putting behind us the tears, he laughs, the games
I hope you know without you;
I’d never be the same.
so yeah. I like how I use the same things twice in both of them. cool stuff.
good night all.
</3
ADAM LAMBERT’S SINGLE IS AMAZING. THOUGHT I’D LET YOU KNOW.
I’m a mirror with no reflection; I’m an arrow with no direction…
24 Sep 2009 1 Comment
in Life
I miss you. everything about you….
I can’t stay away..I need to see you, I need to hear your voice, see your face…
Why do you make a presence in my dreams? In my dreams we’re so close, we have this bond that goes so far and so deep and unbreakable, we don’t need everyone else because we don’t care. there is no explanation there; we just are.
It’s not fair. I don’t want to want you..but I always just end up losing my battle and letting go and loving you all the same.
I hate you.
I love you.
I mean nothing.
you are nothing.
I’m just not that strong to refuse wanting to see you…I hope and pray to God your there…even if we don’t say a word, even if you don’t acknowledge me, even if you just wave hello, it’ll last me. I need the fuel to keep this heavy heart beating.
“If I chose to spite you
Engage your disgrace
We’ll suffer in silence
And make due with fate..”
-imogen heap, only one.
You speak my name I hear nothing; you share your dreams I see nothing….
21 Sep 2009 1 Comment
in Life Tags: cabin, friend, friends, lake, sad. moving, stargazing
So here we are. Almost end of september. We went to my cabin for a weekend, and since I’ve been the worst blogger in history, I failed to mention Nelli, who is actually a really nice, really comfortable person. She was a little quiet at first, but c’mon it was her first couple weeks…but she is actually becoming familiar with the class and she is definitely looser, she can be hilarious too.:) We had good good time at the cabin, we ate everything in sight, we had a little photo shoot….and then there was the time we were looking at the stars, laying in the grass. Me sim, and TB for some were discussing Loosy’s move…and how Loosy is dismissing the fact, ignoring even, that she’ll be moving in a short amount of time. We need to talk about it. She can’t tell us NOT to talk about it, when we have to deal with it, and it is hard. Yes, she has it harder, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less for us. The setting was pretty..the subject painful. Because of it’s raw truthness. going from a group to 4 people…she’ll move on, to a new place, for the same length she was here. and the place before this. we’re just another page in the Loosy story. A page that’ll eventually turn; fade…maybe even rip….But most of all forgotten.
Pour the acid in my eyes,
burn in the pictures in my mind.
take everything away from me,
’cause you don’t exist if I don’t see.
air is loud; drums won’t beat.
I can’t search; can’t find my feet.
Hurry up; turn on the light
someone’s gotten lost tonight….
-You don’t Exist-Lean Andreone
Drops to the ground; unravels like a thread…
16 Sep 2009 1 Comment
in Life Tags: empty, love, missing, over and over lyrics, sad, three days grace
These days I’ve been missing someone that I SHOULDN’T BE. I don’t want to miss this person, I don’t want to wonder how this person is, I don’t want to care. But I can’t even try to deny it. I do care. so much more than I should.
I don’t even know if Sim will know who I’m talking about…maybe. But, it just hurts so bad. The real reason I broke down about the grade 9′s leaving was because I missed this person’s voice, their lame jokes, their smile. I’m fighting with myself inside to deny these things, but I’m letting it out. I miss them..so much. I sometimes just blank out during class; trying to recreate in my mind how it used to be. I could clearly hear all their voices; one more dominant then the others. It was in that oh-so-familiar joking tone that they always seemed to speak in. I can’t get them off of my mind, but I want to. I don’t want to break. I want to just turn my back and list all the reasons why this person is bad news. But I do end up breaking…because I think why bothers. the song Over and Over by three days Grace explains it completley.:
I feel it everyday it’s all the same
It brings me down but I’m the one to blame
I’ve tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?
Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
It feels like everyday stays the same
It’s dragging me down and I can’t pull away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?
Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don’t even try
So many thoughts that I can’t get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what’s best for me
But I want you instead
I’ll keep on wasting all my time
Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don’t even try to…
That’s how I feel. You should listen to it. It makes me cry. I just seem to be missing pieces lately; things aren’t right, but I pretend they are just to get by. I occupy my mind with other things, try to keep it busy so they don’t creep back into my thoughts. They always do.
You’re automatic; your heart’s like an engine…I die with every beat…
07 Sep 2009 3 Comments
in Life Tags: death, eggs, sad, school, summer ending, tokio hotel
So here we are. I want to stay in these last moments forever. I remember so clearly posting about dreading the end of school…and now here we are….at the end of summer. I really do want to see my classmates again, I love most of them, I’ve known them for so long, the thought of them brings me comfort. But from the first day on, it’s all just a countdown until it’s all over. Here we are. at the last year as a whole class. It’s been a good one; but I’m not good with this finality. But, just like my posts about school ending, the moments leading up to it are inevitably going to come. I think to much. I dwell to much. I worry to much. I fear to much. I sometimes forget to just roll with the punches. I always seem to want to stand in fate’s way. I’m outstandingly vulnerable. Deep downn, I’m really scared. Of everything; of everyone. I feel like an egg. I’m trapped in this very breakable shell that surrounds me. I worry my shell will break and I’ll spill all over the place…weird way of putting myself…but it makes sense in my head…hah…
My hiatus from blogging was because I suddenly felt everyone was reading this and laughing at me. I know it’s the internet, but it’s actually a really hurtful feeling hearing people laugh and joke at your feelings. I write in here when I feel a certain way, it’s not like how I am at the moment all the time. It’s a spontaneous kind of thing; writing in here.
On a last note. I’ll look back on these. and I’ll most likely cry. Because I was selfish right now, in this moment. why? It’s not over yet. in this moment of time, it’s not over. When it is over, I’ll wish I was sitting here writing this. Still wealthy with time. I’m so sick of everything.blahh.
I’m scared of death. I really am. Most people say they aren’t. I nod and agree. No. I am TERRIFIED. Not only of my death, but of everyone that I love’s too. We weren’t built to last… from the moment we were born, we were already dying. we are all dying. it’s a slow death as a healthy human…but not long enough…is that morbid? to think we’re dying? But we are…maybe there’s been to many death’s in the family lately…it’s been messing with me….
Night guys. Tomorrow’s a new day. But tomorrow never comes….
^^ new song!! I am in love with it!!^^
Summer’s End.
04 Sep 2009 2 Comments
in Life Tags: dreams, ending, hapy, poem, sad, school, summer
Summer days winding down
smiles falling into frowns
starry nights turn to dawn
not knowing where the time has gone
closest friends turn to foe
all-time highs become all-time lows
laughter turning into tears
your greatest dream now your greatest fear
happy days becoming sleepless nights
drowning in darkness instead of basking in light
That warm feeling turns harsh and cold
Looking young but feeling old
Wanting change but stuck in time
The sun seems to burn more than it shines
Tears drying on your face
Dwelling on mistakes you can’t erase
Tossing;turning can’t fall asleep
Missing those feelings that were once so deep
Autumn colors swirl around
Wanting something you’ve never found
Settling for less and dealing with pain
Life goes on yet you feel the same
But still try to find a reason to smile
These days will stay just for awhile
No matter how long it seems
There’s still a reason to follow those dreams
Don’t go finding love; it’ll find you
Sooner or later you’ll find something true
Take these words into your heart
And apply them to a brand new start.
